Pondering God – September 9, 2009

It is 11:08pm and I am unable to sleep at the moment.  I have been experiencing some health related problems for the past 5 weeks or so and cannot always lie down flat and breathe properly.  The last time I experienced something of this magnitude was sometime around 1996 when I was first diagnosed with Sarcoidosis, a lung disease.  I was driving home and could not breathe for the most part.  My head was spinning and I can remember asking God to allow me to make it hoe so I could see my dear wife and our two boys one last time.  As I was driving home and thinking about this, the sunset that evening was amazing, and as I was gasping for breath I thought of my Savior.  Would I see Him soon and be able to talk with Him and walk with Him?  Would He welcome me with those words I so long to hear one day “Well done good and faithful servant”? 

As I looked at the sunset my mind was drawn towards the Scriptural accounts of Jesus when He had been betrayed and now had been nailed to the cross of Calvary.  How Jesus must have looked out at the crowds and also at the horizon and possibly a sunset, gasping for breath from HIs arms being impailed on the cross and having to heave His body up with His legs in order to take a breath.  Although I had been fearful I was comforted being reminded that my Savior knew what it was like to have difficulty breathing. I knew that even if I was taken home that very evening, the He would look after my family and that I would be in the presence of the King of the universe.

That was 13 years ago, which is hard for me to believe as I type this.  Now here I am…finding myself having difficulty breathing…and having difficulty drawing close to my Lord.  Why…when all I really desire is to be near Him and to serve Him and yet…here I sit…confused…distant…somewhat sorrowful.  Did God move away?  Has He left me?  Am I of no more use to Him?  The answers to all of those come screaming out as a resounding “NO” in my brain and my heart. So what then is making me feel this way?

Could it be the sin that is so prevalent in my life?  Could it be my laziness of seeking Him and serving Him?  Could it be my dissatisfaction with the Christian experience?  Is it my heart…has it grown cold over the years? Where is the love for my brethren and others that was so prevalent in my life as a new believer?  Have I become…lukewarm? 

You know, life is so much more than we see and than most of us do on a daily, hourly, minute-by-minute basis.  We get caught up in our routines…our priorities…our schedules, and start seeking our desires rather than His.  As we fail to refuel ourselves and our relationship with God, we find ourselves distant, prone to temptation, dissatisfied and ungrateful.  The selfish tendencies of our flesh come boiling to the surface and we look for something else to fill the only place that our Heavenly Father can fill.  While this is not something God is pleased with or enjoys, He graciously allows us to make our own decisions…to serve Him or…to serve ourselves. 

While I am active in our local church through teaching, mentoring, a servant, etc., I do find and have to honestly come to terms that I have been serving myself more than I have been serving Him.  Sadly I confess that I have been.  I love to see and watch God work in peoples lives and the amazing things He does through them, and yet the flame inside of me feels a if it has been smoldering and longing for oxygen to keep lit.  I need and want more of Jesus!  I want a life that is not made up of the routine of busyness and self serving, but a life of adventure..awe an complete submission to the will of God! 

Francis Chan, in His book Crazy Love writes “This book is written for those who want more Jesus.  It is for those who are bored with what American Christianity offers. It is for those who do not want to plateau, those who would rather die before their convictions do.” I would strongly recommend reading Crazy Love and visiting the website to watch some short videos that remind us of the majesty of the God we serve, and the relationship He desires with us.  www.crazylovebook.com You will finish that book confronted with some of your weakensses and misperceptions about God thrown right in your face and you will have a decision to make.  Change or stay the same. 

So…as I end this post I have to admit…confess and cry out to the Lord Jesus.  I want that crazy love! I want to be so sold out to Him and submitted to His will that while I may not know what tomorrow holds I always know Who I serve and that He has all things in His control.  He is sovereign.  Lord…fill me again with the extreme radical love I once had for You and Your children.  Fill me up with Your Holy Spirit and strengthen me as I sue every minute of this life honoring and glorifying You!  You are so awesome…so lovely…and so amazing!  Our God is truly an awesome God!